My beauty Will Never Be Found In A Eye Shadow Pallet

I have grown up knowing that I was not traditionally beautiful, I was not beautiful according to society’s standards( I never could be). I knew that I wasn’t pretty like my sisters, but they are beautiful in their own way as well. I was the girl in school who was taller than other girls, I had more body mass. I remember a time in middle school when I heard girls talk about how they just reached a 100 pounds. I remember thinking that I was 140 pounds and these other girls were not even close to that. I also remember thinking why was I so much bigger than they were. They ate better than I did, they went home knowing that they would have dinner that night, while I didn’t know if I would that night, yet they were smaller than I was.

I had to come with to terms with the fact that I was not like them. It was hard. I made myself even more different when girls started to wear makeup and I chose not to, for two reasons 1) I didn’t have the money to buy make up. 2) I could sleep more if I didn’t worry about it, and I embraced my natural self.

Now a 20 something in college, I wear makeup, but it is never to change who I am or the way I look. I use it to enhance the beauty I have been given. If you know me well you know that I really don’t have time for anything more than some mascara and maybe filling in my eyebrows. But on the days I have time to put more make up on, its usually never more than a natural color eye shadow and a pink lipstick if I have time. I am confident in my skin, not because I could never be like other people, but because this is who God made me to be.

God is my reason for my confidence in who I am as a person. He made every cell divide in just the right way, he arranged my DNA in the most beautiful and unique way, so that I would never be like any one else on this planet. Knowing this I would never want to change or hide the beauty God gave me. Yes I am a corrupted, sinful, broken human. But he loves me in a way that make me perfect, whole, and beautiful. To try and change or hide is to deny what God has blessed me with, and this is why my beauty could never be found in a eye shadow pallet, because it is only found God, who made me who I am today!

 

Choosing My Family

I have been working on this post for what feels like years but in reality it’s only been half a week. This post isn’t about how I was given a chance to choose who was my in my family, because if I was honest I would give the world to have the people who are related to me be a real family like I have seen many of my friends be blessed with.  You also have to understand that I do not envy them for the fact that they have something that I have never experienced, because if I did then I could not really be friends with me, because my envi would drive me from them and them from me. I know that experiencing what I have has made me who I am today, and I know that they experiencing what they have have made them who they are.

This post is to thank them, they have truly showed me what it means to love deeply and unabashedly, to have hope, to dream for the future, to love a God who wants to love me. My girls friends have showed me what a woman of God, a daughter of christ looks like. They have showed me the kind, loving, Strong, independent woman of God I want to be and strive to be. They have taught me to love all of my faults, all of the things I can not make perfect but the fact that God can make me strong in those weaknesses.

My guy friends have taught me what a man of christ looks like. How he is supposed to treat not only his wife and daughters but the woman in his life who he is not related to. they have taught me. They have been an example of what waiting for , as cheesy as it sounds, true love, and how amazing as it can be.

I know now that I did not get to “choose” my family, because God chose it for me, and he did a wonderful job. A much better job than I could have even hoped of doing. We may not be related by blood or even marriage, but we are a family. Yes we have our high and our lows, but no matter what happens we were brought together for a reason, and I know why, well I hope to understand, why God brought me to this group of people in this time. They have taught me so many things, and I know they will keep teaching me. But I know we will always be a family, no matter where we end up later in our lives, because we know that we have people who have our backs, and a God who will never stop loving us.

So Thank you to each of my friends, you know who you are. You have all taught me to love myself even the darkest places, and I could thank you ever day of my life but that still not come close to how I feel.

 

Life(its been a long time)/ Review of 2014

Let me start out by saying that my plan when I started to write this blog was to write everyday or week, but that did happen. As I look back on this year, its been filled this ups and downs, like a normal human life, but this year has been one of the hardest for me. The year started out really well, it was going fine, I was raising money for my trip, which went amazing by the way. The end of summer was fine. But when school started up that is when things started going wrong. I didn’t have a roommate this year. I know that to some that sounds like an amazing thing, but its not so much for me. I grew up in a family were I had no place to be alone, so being a alone 16 hours of the day is strange for me. I also know that Satan likes to work on me when I am alone, because he knows that I have no one to physically to stop me from thinking things that would bring me back to a place where I feel useless and that my life was pointless, during points this year, if I was comply honest I doubted my life and felt that it would be easier to just end it so I wound’t have to deal with what was going on. During the semester I loss my Aunt suddenly and tragically, My parents separated. I know to most people reading this they would not think that these things would be able to cause me such pain to end up were I did, but if you have never battled suicide like I do everyday, then you don’t truly know how much problems those things can cause.

My Aunts death was a big deal to me, but I got to go to her funeral and morn her death with my family. I miss her greatly. what bothers me is I don’t know if she is in heaven or not. I didn’t not get to see her in the years after I became a christen and so I don’t know if she was a believer or not. It pains me to know that I don’t know, and I am filled with guilt every time I think about.

What really sapped me of every drop of motivation to do anything, would be my parents separating, I know thousands of people separate everyday. It wasn’t the spiting of them, it was the lying to me and treating me as if I was a child, and deciding that I didn’t need to know anything other than that one of them had left the other of another person, and that the person who got kicked out was not to blame what so ever for anything happening, “they didn’t see this coming…..”. After I spoke to the other parent in voled I found out the real truth. The one who got kicked out had actually done the cheating and had been caught not once but multiply times, but the parent who had done the cheating wanted to act like the victim and not tell the truth. Here is a little back story, my intier high school career I wanted to my parents proud of me, like any child would, but I was never the favorite or the chosen child no matter how many things I did that, that they said would make them happy. Once certain parent wouldn’t even talk to me for three months after I told them I didn’t want to be a doctor, but I want to follow Christ and do art which he was leading me to. They could not understand this. And this is where Satan comes in. While I was alone in my room after the death of my Aunt and the spliting of my parents, he would put thoughts in to my head which have always followed me around, the theme of them being I am not good/perfect for the love of people I receive, so if I work harder I could earn that love, but you will never be able to because you are not good/perfect for this love, so if you don’t derives it and you can’t earn it then what are you doing on this earth? You see I have never been able to receive acceptance from one of my parents, and that is all I have ever wanted, was for them to love me and accepted me for who I am. And that is where Satan works the most in my life, in that area where I crave the love of one. but will never receive. In all of this I have allowed him to lead me away from Christ where I ca’t hear him, but this next year I am going to spend my time getting closer to God.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Today is the day!

well today is the day that I get to go on my mission trip. People have been asking how I feel and I tell them that I feel nervous and excited, but what I feel the most is gratitude not only to the people who helped me raise the money for my trip, but to God. I know I have said this a million times here on the v blog but also in real life, but its true. God has place me places so that I could come to this place. He opened doors I could never open, brought people in my life who I most likely would have never met on my own, and who I could never see my life without them now that I have them. But without God none of this stuff would have ever happened. If I had followed my own plan I wouldn’t be here today. The joy and love I feel from God is something I don’t think I could ever explain in my life. It is all consuming and I want everyone in the would to know his love. I am not going on this mission to convert and leave them, but to make relationships with people, and show them the love of God. I am also not going to do this to please God, because I could never do that because I am not sinless, I do it because God me to do. so I ask that you pray for the hearts of the people to be soften by God, I also ask that you Pray that so will mine and that I listen to what God wants me to do, and that he gives me the words to say.

19 days and counting (Also a whole lot of things going on in my mind right now)

  Yes 19 days (not Kids) and counting. 19 days tell I head off on my first mission trip, and the only thing that keeps going through my head is “what if I fail God”. Now don’t get me wrong I know God does not choose the qualified he makes the chosen qualified for his work. But as a human I wonder what in my life that he has made and given me make me qualified for his work. I fail he every day, I don’t deserve the life and the death of his son for my sin. In fact I know that I should be the one the cross for my sins, but because of God’s great mercy and the love he has for his children he gave me all of these things. I wonder from his love, and trust me I don’t want to do it but I do. Let me tell you something else, “Christians” who say that you have a better life after you come to Christ, no thing goes wrong after that. God will make my life, social standing, money and anything else that bothers me go away and become better are lying. God does not promise to do these things, he promises to be with us all ways and to never forsake us. He tell us that we will get persecuted, and let me tell you something else it is not only humans who will do this Satan will do this to us as well.  I believe that is what Satan is doing to me now as I write this blog and have these thoughts of failing God, because you know what I could never fail and all loving, all powerful, all knowing God that he is. You CAN NOT nor WILL NOT fail God, because he know what will happen and he has already used if for his glory. 

  Okay now on to the other things that have been on my mind as of late. Its been a year since I have started this blog. I know there hasn’t not been any constituency to this blog like some peoples. but let me tell you, I say that a lot tonight haven’t I? I have a life that gets busy and crazy and this blog gets pushed off to the side, as it is not the most important thing in my life.Okay, Now back to the important Stuff.  Because it has been A year, and l have felt for some time now that I Should do this. I am going to tell you who I am. My Name is Peggy Louise Mosley! I know Some of my readers already know this, but I wanted to tell everyone else. that is all for now.                                                                                                                      

What I learned in my first year of College

I know that It has been a while since I have last posted, but you have to understand that this last semester has been busy for me. There are a few things that I have learned during my first year of college. I learned that no matter how much you don’t  want things to change they will, and they will better then before. I have also learned that you don’t need a guy to make you happy. contrary to popular beliefs a guy or even the hope of a guy will make you happy. Another thing I learned is that God is with you  not matter how far you wonder from him he is with you, just because you don’t feel his presences that doesn’t mean he has left you, nor will he ever. Your life shouldn’t be rooted around another, your life should be rooted around the one true God, because . I have also learned that sleep is a good thing to invest in, try and get as much sleep as you can. As much as you may hate that 8am class it may be a good thing to take it, you may also just suck it and deal with it. Philosophy Class is a great class to take and everyone should take it. Did I say how important sleep is? well it is!

2013 Review

   As this year draws to an end I have gotten a chance to look back and try to understand the things I have done right or wrong. The choices I should have made, also to see how much I have changed during the year. I never thought in a million years that I would be here, at this point in life. Who would have thought that the little girl from Oklahoma who never lived in one place for more than 3 years, who has been homeless more times than she can count. Who thought that graduating high school was going to be her greatest accomplishment. Who has a fear of leaving her comfort bubble, to not be accepted, a fear of failing at what God wants her to do.

    By God’s grace here she is going to college, standing out so people have to accept her as she is and not for what the world wants her to be. Knowing that she may fail God, but he is greater than any of her failings. Trusting God and leaving her comfort bubble and going overseas to do his work.

   This last year has changed me in many way, more small than bigger ways. The small changes are the ones that will be with me tell the end of time. There are many people who helped me to this point of my life, and there are more to come. There are things that I wished I did and didn’t do. there are things that I wish I did better, but I didn’t put my whole self into it. This next year my goal is to tell God to send me before he tells me where to go. To pray about my problems that I can’t control. As I look back on 2013 yes there are things I would change but if I had the chance to change them I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t be the person I am now. All I can hope for is that I am the person God wants me to be.

This I Believe

I have been meaning to put this on here. In one of my classes we had to write an essay about what we believe. This is mine. Hope you enjoy 😀

I Believe in Determination
My parents instilled hard work in me from a young age. They told me that if I worked hard I would have a good life and I would have a good job. My parents have never had an easy life, but they lived by this work hard theory every day; I never saw a day when my parents gave up and stopped working hard. I remember as a child, when I told my father that I wanted to be a doctor, the first thing he told me that he would never be able to help me pay for school but if I worked hard I could become whatever I wanted to be. They told me I could achieve anything if I just worked hard, but what I didn’t realize then was that hard work is nothing without determination.
It was mid-November when I learned this lesson. It was half into my sophomore year. I came home to find that my parents had not paid the rent for two months and we had to be out of the house that we had just moved into three months before. So instead of getting to relax before doing my homework, I had to pack everything I owned. My parents bought a storage unit; I don’t know how they could afford a storage unit. My parents took my sister to her friend’s house. My parents and I had no place to go, so we took all the blankets we had, put them in the car and parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot to spend the night.
I was sitting in our car the next night, with cars driving by, and the buzz of the light above the car. I could hear my father’s snores coming from the back seat where he was trying to sleep and feel the heaviness of the blanket on my shoulders keeping me warm while I attempted to do my homework. In that moment of despair and loneliness I knew that I would never want my children in that kind of situation, nor would I let it happen. I would not let them have to deal with the stress of trying to hide what was going on in their home lives. I promised to God, myself, and my future children that I would graduate high school and go on to college.
In that moment, I knew that hard work without determination would be useless. I had to be just as determined as hard working to make sure my family would never be put in that situation. I know that no matter how hard I work that if I wasn’t determined I would get nowhere and but stuck in the cycle of poverty that my parents have never been able escape.
When junior year started I made sure that I took AP classes, worked as hard as I could, even though it was hard going to school and living in a car or motel. I waited till my junior year had started to tell some of my friends that I was homeless. I told them because I was sick of hiding who I was and sick of lying to them why I could not invite them over or even hang out with them. Lying to my friends made me feel guilty, like I had done something wrong when in reality I had not done anything wrong. It was not my fault that we were homeless, nor was it in my power to control it. I felt guilty because they could come to me with all of their problems with absolute trust, but I did not trust them with my problems. When I did tell them it shocked me that they did not ostracize me or start rumors about me; they truly cared for me and encouraged me to do even better than I would have on my own.
The summer before my senior year of high school we moved into a house, if you could call it that, but it was better than living in a car. Just because we had a house did not mean I could stop working to make sure that my future family would never be homeless. I knew we may be safe and have a home now but we could lose it just as easily. The day I knew that all of my hard work had paid off was not the day that I graduated from high school; it was March 1st, the day that I got my acceptance letter into my first choice college.
The fact that I had achieved, becoming the first in my family to get accepted to a college, didn’t make me less determined. In fact it made me even more so, because I knew that I could achieve anything if I trusted God, worked hard, and stayed determined.

Christmas Miracle

Why is it only during this time of the year that we see God’s miracles in our lives. Is it that he only works during this time of year. If so then why this time of the year why not any other time of the year.
Sorry people this is not true. God does not only do miracles this time of year. The fact that you have woken up every day of you life is a miracle, the fact that there are babies being born every second is a miracle. The fact that you have a roof over your head and food on your table is a miracle.
So why is it we only see miracles during Christmas time. I believe it is this way because during this time of the year we are look and seeing what God is doing every day. Christmas and thanksgiving should not be the only time of the year that we are thankful for what we have. We need to be thankful every day of our lives for what he has given us, not only during the time when every one else is doing it. We are called to stand out, well this as well as our lives need to stand out and be proof to the world of God’s EVERY DAY miracle.

Southeast Asia

A few days ago I was accpted to go on a GO trip, and for the past few days I have been stressing about how to pay for things, but today after talking with a friend I went back you my dorm which is right down the hall from my friends room. I saw a note card with my name on it. I opened up to find the money I need to pay for my deposit for the trip, I don’t know who did this but I thank God for them. I truly don’t know how I could have done this without their help. I now know that I am doing what God wants me to because he is providing the funds I need for the trip. I truly feel that their is someone better than me, but God chose me so I am going to do the best I can with his control over my life.