Let me start out by saying that my plan when I started to write this blog was to write everyday or week, but that did happen. As I look back on this year, its been filled this ups and downs, like a normal human life, but this year has been one of the hardest for me. The year started out really well, it was going fine, I was raising money for my trip, which went amazing by the way. The end of summer was fine. But when school started up that is when things started going wrong. I didn’t have a roommate this year. I know that to some that sounds like an amazing thing, but its not so much for me. I grew up in a family were I had no place to be alone, so being a alone 16 hours of the day is strange for me. I also know that Satan likes to work on me when I am alone, because he knows that I have no one to physically to stop me from thinking things that would bring me back to a place where I feel useless and that my life was pointless, during points this year, if I was comply honest I doubted my life and felt that it would be easier to just end it so I wound’t have to deal with what was going on. During the semester I loss my Aunt suddenly and tragically, My parents separated. I know to most people reading this they would not think that these things would be able to cause me such pain to end up were I did, but if you have never battled suicide like I do everyday, then you don’t truly know how much problems those things can cause.
My Aunts death was a big deal to me, but I got to go to her funeral and morn her death with my family. I miss her greatly. what bothers me is I don’t know if she is in heaven or not. I didn’t not get to see her in the years after I became a christen and so I don’t know if she was a believer or not. It pains me to know that I don’t know, and I am filled with guilt every time I think about.
What really sapped me of every drop of motivation to do anything, would be my parents separating, I know thousands of people separate everyday. It wasn’t the spiting of them, it was the lying to me and treating me as if I was a child, and deciding that I didn’t need to know anything other than that one of them had left the other of another person, and that the person who got kicked out was not to blame what so ever for anything happening, “they didn’t see this coming…..”. After I spoke to the other parent in voled I found out the real truth. The one who got kicked out had actually done the cheating and had been caught not once but multiply times, but the parent who had done the cheating wanted to act like the victim and not tell the truth. Here is a little back story, my intier high school career I wanted to my parents proud of me, like any child would, but I was never the favorite or the chosen child no matter how many things I did that, that they said would make them happy. Once certain parent wouldn’t even talk to me for three months after I told them I didn’t want to be a doctor, but I want to follow Christ and do art which he was leading me to. They could not understand this. And this is where Satan comes in. While I was alone in my room after the death of my Aunt and the spliting of my parents, he would put thoughts in to my head which have always followed me around, the theme of them being I am not good/perfect for the love of people I receive, so if I work harder I could earn that love, but you will never be able to because you are not good/perfect for this love, so if you don’t derives it and you can’t earn it then what are you doing on this earth? You see I have never been able to receive acceptance from one of my parents, and that is all I have ever wanted, was for them to love me and accepted me for who I am. And that is where Satan works the most in my life, in that area where I crave the love of one. but will never receive. In all of this I have allowed him to lead me away from Christ where I ca’t hear him, but this next year I am going to spend my time getting closer to God.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.